


How Am I Supposed To Live

by HPFandom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Gen, Multi, Out of Character, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-07-16
Updated: 2007-07-16
Packaged: 2018-10-01 01:41:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10177778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HPFandom_archivist/pseuds/HPFandom_archivist
Summary: Severus hears some disturbing news about his friend, Remus, news that, if true, could shatter his world.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from SeparatriX, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [HP Fandom](http://fanlore.org/wiki/HP_Fandom_\(archive\)), which was closed for health and financial reasons. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [HP Fandom collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hpfandom/profile).

Disclaimer - I don’t own anything, I’m just borrowing things for a while and I promise I’ll put everything back exactly how I found it when I’ve finished. Well, almost exactly how I found it ;)

 

**A/N Written to the Michael Bolton song ‘How Am I Supposed To Live’. All lyrics used belong to him. AU because Remus met and got together with Tonks in the third year, when he was DADA teacher. And I‘m suggesting that Severus and Remus are friends. Told from Severus’ POV.**

 

****

How Am I Supposed To Live

I come down for breakfast to find the Great Hall buzzing with noise as usual. As I sit at the head table, snippets of conversation drift to my ears, and it soon becomes apparent there’s a new bit of juicy gossip that has grabbed everyone’s attention. But as of yet, I can’t figure out what the rumour is, and I can honestly say that I‘m not that bothered.. Then Minerva turns to me and tells me.

When I hear the news, I can hardly believe it. My ears automatically drown all sound out, until there is just the dull thudding of my heart. Muttering some excuse, I flee the Great Hall, casting a quick glance at your seat, but you‘re not there. I had an idea where you’ll be, though.

I burst into the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom and stride up to your office. I don’t even known - I just push the door open and slam it shut behind me. I lean against it, my arms folded across my chest, trying to calm my heartbeat down as I glare at you.

“Everyone says you’re leaving. They say that someone’s swept your heart away, but I want to hear it from you,” I say, trying to keep my voice level.

You don’t say anything, but from that look upon your face, I can see that it’s all true.

“Tell me all about it, then. Tell me about the plans you’re making.” I take a step towards you, my eyes never leaving yours. And you do. You tell me everything. After all, we’re friends - nothing more, nothing less - and we always talk about things. I try to tell myself that’s why I’m so angry, that I had to hear the news from someone else. But I know that’s not the case.

Once you stop talking, I just nod, and then I fix you with a piercing gaze, allowing my soul to be seen in my eyes for once in my life. It‘s a bold move on my part, but I can‘t lie to you - or myself - any longer. “Good. I’m happy for you. But tell me one thing more before I go.” I take a deep breath and try to calm myself. I swore I’d never tell you how I felt, but now I have to. “Tell me how the hell I’m supposed to live without you.”

You look stunned. It was obvious you had no idea, but I’m not surprised. I’m very good at hiding my emotions. In fact, most people think me completely devoid of feeling.

“I’ve been in love with you for so long,” I tell you, “How am I supposed to live without you? And how do you expect me to carry on, when everything I’ve been living for will soon be gone?” My voice has dropped to a whisper, and I can feel tears welling in my eyes.

But I’m too proud to cry, and I certainly didn’t come here to break down. I can see the concern on your face, and I feel I owe you an apology. Yes, I’m almost crying and I’m apologising. Miracles do happen, and it’s all your fault.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that a dream of mine is coming to an end,” I say. “I can’t blame you for the way I’m feeling right now. It’s my own fault for building my world around a desire - the hope that one day we’d be so much more than friends.” I see your eyebrows shoot up and your eyes widen, but I carry on before you can speak. “I don’t want to know the price I’ll pay for dreaming. I think it’s more than I can take right now.”

You tell me it’s okay, but I can see it in your eyes that you’re lying. Even if we can somehow remain friends, you’ll be spending more and more time with your girlfriend until eventually, you’ll forget about me. Either way, I’m going to lose you, and I tell you that. “So tell me how I’m supposed to live without you, after I’ve been loving you this long. How am I supposed to live and carry on, now that you - everything I’ve been living for - are going?”

I don’t want to know the price I’ll pay for dreaming, although I can guess what it is already. Now your dream has come true, I’ve lost you. You give me a look that’s both apologetic and regretful, but you have to follow your heart. You cross the room and almost put your hand on my shoulder. Then you decide against it and you leave, the door shutting softly behind you, leaving me alone. I let the tears fall now there is no one else around, and my anger is building rapidly. I put a silencing charm on the room and proceed to yell at you, even though you can’t hear me.

“I want to know how I’m supposed to live without you!” I shout. “I’ve loved you for so long, and now you expect me to go on without you! I can’t carry on when everything I’ve been living for has been taken away from me!”

I run suddenly from the room, sprinting through the castle as fast as my legs will carry me, not carrying if anybody sees me. Most people wouldn’t believe it if they did see me - the Potions master doesn’t run, or cry, or get upset over anything. I’m not supposed to crack a smile, and I’m certainly not supposed to fall in love. I’m supposed to frown and snarl, and generally be a nasty git. But I just can’t do this anymore. It’s all gone without you - the light in my life, the thing that made me laugh when no one was watching, my conscious, and the air in my lungs - all of it gone without you by my side.

I’ve been loving you so long, I don’t know how to live without you.

I reach the peaceful emptiness of the Astronomy Tower and my legs finally give way. I crumble to floor, loud sobs wracking my body. I don’t how to carry on when my reason for living has gone.

 

FIN

 

 

_‘How Am I Supposed To Live’, by Michael Bolton_

_I could hardly believe it when I heard the news today_  
I had to come and get it straight from you  
They said you were leaving  
Someone swept your heart away  
From that look upon your face I see it’s true  
So tell me all about it, tell me about the plans you’re making  
Tell me one thing more before I go 

_Tell me how am I supposed to live without you_  
Now that I’ve been loving you so long  
How am I supposed to live without you  
And how am I supposed to carry on  
When all that I’ve been living for is gone 

_Too proud for crying, didn’t come here to break down_  
It’s just a dream of mine is coming to an end  
How can I blame you when I built my world around  
The hope that one day, we’d be so much more than friends  
Now I don’t wanna know the price I’m gonna pay for dreaming  
Even now it’s more than I can take 

_Tell me how am I supposed to live without you_  
Now that I’ve been loving you so long  
How am I supposed to live without you  
And how am I supposed to carry on  
When all that I’ve been living for is gone 

_Now I don’t wanna know the price I’m gonna pay for dreaming  
Now that your dream has come true_

_Tell me how am I supposed to live without you_  
Now that I’ve been loving you so long  
How am I supposed to live without you  
And how am I supposed to carry on  
When all that I’ve been living for is gone 

_Gone without you_  
Now that I’ve been loving you so long  
How am I supposed to live without you  
And how am I supposed to carry on  
When all that I’ve been living for is gone 


End file.
